Growing Pains

We had exchanges on Wednesday and Thursday and....sister Bodine was with me!!!! It was so fun. Everyone does missionary work a little differently and it's always fun to see how people do it. When she contacts people there is like a circle of love and the spirit that surrounds her and the people we are talking to it's so cool.

Sister Bodine challenged me to write down something everyday, something that I did good that day, and then at the end of the transfer pull them out and look at how "far" I've come. She said, "We can't see where we want to go, if we don't know where we are or where we have been" which I loved. It's not like I think I'm the worst missionary ever. It's just that I don't recognize what I do well. Partly in fear of getting a big head... and also I think it has a lot do with my athletic background--sprinting. One is constantly trying to figure out that one little thing that you're doing wrong so you can fix it and get a faster time.

I've been trying to do it for the last week (writing things down) It's actually really hard! We also committed a member to do it, which I think will really help her. I encourage everyone! :)

ahah I am just looking in my journal. I drew a picture of a fruit fly....we have tons of them. It is disgusting. It's not like our apartment is really dirty. We just have apples and tomatoes on the counter (I started putting the bananas in the fridge).

Okay, so I've been thinking about being a consecrated missionary and the scripture "whosoever shall loose their life shall find it..."

Sometimes it feels like my relationship with the Savior is decreasing. Sister Mendenhall said there was a time she felt like that on her mission, "it's not that you've lost your relationship with the Savior but you start focusing less on yourself and more on your investigators."

This is what I wrote for October 18....I just want your thoughts on it.

Today was weird. I just started to realize how I'm losing who I am out here. I just feel like I'm me because I want to be consecrated. I'm still trying to figure out what consecrated means.  But like stuff I used to do--write music, think about my family, Tanner, err really anyone. Home is like a dream. When friends like Corrie tell me they have been thinking of me, it's kinda weird. The scripture...whosoever shall loose their life shall find it..rings in my head, while I am writing this. Today I realized that my testimony of the Savior--more like my relationship with him--feels like it is decreasing. I envy Tanner for still being able to be "Tanner" (writing music, sending cute lovey things) but it still sounds like he is being a "good" missionary and his testimony is ever growing. Idk I just kind of miss little things like writing songs. It sounds dumb but I do. I miss talking about love and thinking about it.

I guess the question is, how much can I bring from home? Perhaps it is a spiritual endeavor I'll have to figure out. I just want to know soon before it's too late!

Today wasn't a bad day. There was outward success. I guess just inward failure.

Night!

I miss little parts of Samantha. Like how she writes music about love.  ahah and just thinking about people like Cole or Tanner or cousins. The world back home seems like it never happened. I guess I 'm just trying to figure out "becoming consecrated." On Saturday night and Sunday morning it was tough because I just wanted to go home. Because I felt the love and excitement of a Savior more there and I could do those little things I miss.

Okay don't get worried just wait.

So I decided to fast Saturday night because I knew I needed strength from the Lord. I realized I had become exhausted doing this work using only my strength and I needed to let the Savior help me in the work. I knew that fasting could help me depend on the Lord. So for breakfast I feasted on the word and read the weekly letter from President Clayton and
Grandpa's letter. President Clayton talked about conference....

I LOVED CONFERENCE!! Sorry I didn't talk much about my favorite things but I really love this thought from it). President Uchtdorf commented about gaining a testimony and said "The process of gathering spiritual light is the quest of a life time..spiritual truth will fit your heart and bring light to your spirit...the Savior promised that If you seek , you will find."

I am looking for light and a full heart at this time of discouragement. I must seek! then I thought about the quote "Feast upon the words of Christ" and I was lead to 2 Ne 32

Feast on the word, and it will tell you what you should do. (It will help me know how to have Christ in the work). If you still can't understand it is because ye ask not (don't pray), Neither do ye knock (read scriptures).

Pray always.  If you pray first, he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that they performance may be for the welfare of they soul.

That last part of the scripture meant so much to me. Being "consecrated" is what I have been so stressed about. But if we pray before our labor he will consecrate our performance (our mission).

When the scriptures say pray, it's not just telling god everything and then hanging up. It is having that CONVERSATION with God. When we have a conversation he can tell us what we need to change, what we are doing well, among so many other things. By praying first we can know that what we are doing is what the Lord would have us do because he has confirmed it to us in our prayer.

I don't know if any of this in making sense....but it was just so awesome. My soul was wavering and I was hungry for the spirit and I was fed. All the questions and thoughts that I had were soothed. Not everything was answered and some things just stopped bugging me for the time. I testify to you that We must TURN to him in time of need and NOT away. He wants to help us. Whenever I turn to Christ for Strength when hard times hit, my sadness and pain is remedied.

Love you all!!

Tell grandpa thank you so much for his letter I loved it! And I loved Grandma Reeves letter about believing Christ. Tell them that I always tell people my grandparents were missionaries in Pakistan when I find out they're from there. It is so fun:)

Grandma Stoddard: I have been getting ALL your letters!! They are the highlight of my P-day. Thank you so much. I am so happy to hear that grandpa is doing better.

I got a letter from Sister Hollingshed , it was so sweet. Let her know I received it

I always think about being a Good example for Jeffrey. It's great. Thanks Dad.